That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
