1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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