I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
