she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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