i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
