I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
