If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
