he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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