please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
