I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
