these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
