Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
