please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
