I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
im six kinds of drunk right now
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
