She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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