Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
