So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
