you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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