It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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