i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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