Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
