I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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