My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
