My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
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i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
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What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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