I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
