Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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