At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
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