ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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