That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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