After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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