It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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