Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
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I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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