That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
