the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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