I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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