do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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