anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.