I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?