last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
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can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
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Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear