It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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