i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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