maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
