no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When did angry sex become our thing?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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