Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
