Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
