you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
