i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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