shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I can't put those talents on a resume
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
