Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
