my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
