from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
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He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
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You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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