I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
