I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
