Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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