well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
