Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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