I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
